Compliments are funny things. In British culture, we generally are not sure how to receive them.

Irish poet and playwright Oscar Wilde said, ‘An acquaintance that begins with a compliment is sure to develop into a real friendship.’

Yet there seems to be a strong trend of self-deprecation in the British mindset, probably due to the overcast weather, which means that we are quick to judge ourselves negatively, even when others are praising us. So we tend to downplay or underplay our achievements or positive traits.

For example, someone may say to you, ‘Thank you so much for your help, you’re amazing!’

Perhaps in other less restrained (or less cloudy) cultures, the normal response to this might be, ‘You’re welcome’.

But in British culture you would tend to hear something like ‘It was nothing,’ or ‘Please don’t mention it.’

Then there is the whole culture of men giving compliments to women, which, historically, has been used for men to get the women to do things they want, rather than because they actually mean the compliment. To quote Oscar Wilde again,

‘I don't see why a man should think he is pleasing a woman enormously when he says to her a whole heap of things that he doesn't mean.’

Thus, if a man says to a woman, ‘You’re beautiful’, it can be difficult for the woman to know if he really means it. Perhaps she will think ‘what is he trying to get from me?’ rather than accepting the compliment.

Because of these aspects of British culture, it can be tempting to not give compliments or to act as if they do not mean much to you. But showing each other that we like each other is an essential part of being human and living together; the key is simply to give and receive compliments authentically. As Princess Diana said,

‘I think the biggest disease the world suffers from in this day and age is the disease of people feeling unloved… Every one of us needs to show how much we care for each other and, in the process, care for ourselves.’

So if you think your friend, partner or colleague is beautiful, why not tell them? Just don’t be too surprised if, if they are British, they downplay the compliment.

And the best compliment I ever received? For sure it was when my 3-year-old son told me,

‘You’re beautiful, mama’.

T

here is no question that he was being authentic.